


The Beginning of Something Better

by ren_is_okay



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Character Study, Child Abuse, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark at MIT, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, Protective James "Rhodey" Rhodes, The Author Regrets Everything, Tony Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony's not having a good time in this one folks, Underage Drinking, go easy on me it's my first fanfic, he literally only meets Rhodey at the end guys, just panic attacks and daddy issues, this is Really Not Good writing i'm so sorry, you're not getting much RhodeyTony action here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25438504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ren_is_okay/pseuds/ren_is_okay
Summary: Tony is three years and eleven months old when things take a turn for the worst.OrTony spends his life in the shadow of his father, this is the story of how he finds James Rhodes and himself.
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark
Comments: 6
Kudos: 69





	The Beginning of Something Better

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! 
> 
> This is my first fanfic and it certainly won't be very good, so just a warning for some pretty not good writing in this one (sorry). 
> 
> I do want to warn you about the content of this fic, and just let you know that it does talk graphically about child abuse, underage drinking, and panic attacks. I tried my best to write these things in an enlightening manner, but I could have very well gotten something wrong. If you know of how I could improve my writing or the contents of this fic, please let me know!
> 
> (the formatting is also a bit messed up, sorry about that!)

Tony is first born into warm arms. He has his mother, heart racing and words slurring as she pulls him closer to her chest. He has his father, eyes kind and hands gentle as he looks down at his son. He has Edwin and Ana Jarvis, who meet him the next day as he’s brought home, postures easy-going and words light. He has his Aunt Peggy a week after that, and then millions of reporters and fans and commentators around the world, all welcoming him into the Stark legacy. 

The first few years are fuzzy and nostalgic. He taps out gentle notes on the piano, Maria at his side. His first word is Mama and he says it in Italian, and Maria lifts him into her arms and grins until she cries after she hears it. Jarvis tells him bedtime stories and Peggy teaches him how to properly shake a person’s hand. Howard isn’t around much but that’s okay, because he always saves an affectionate hair-ruffle for Tony when he _is _around. He tells Tony stories about a man with golden-blonde hair, about a national hero and about his best friend, Bucky Barnes. He talks about a man lost at sea, about how Howard’s going to find him, and Tony takes one glance at his father’s awed look and decides that Captain America is as good a hero as any.__

__Tony is three years and eleven months old when things take a turn for the worst._ _

__Tony may be young, but he is not stupid. He knows that people have begun to walk on eggshells around him. He knows that Jarvis’ smile is rough around the edges and always wobbles like the man is about to start crying, he knows that Ana doesn’t come around the house anymore and that her room at the mansion is gone. He asks Jarvis where she went once, but the man’s smile stretches into something distorted and heartbreaking, and all of a sudden the tremor that’s been on the man’s lips for weeks is seeping into his words and tears are prickling at his eyes. Tony changes the topic quickly after that._ _

__He knows that Maria sneaks away three times a day to swallow shiny white pills, he knows that if he listens carefully at night he can hear the piano playing from the foyer. He knows that if he sneaks down after her, if he lowers himself carefully down to the ground and hides himself behind the banister, that he’ll be able to hear the sobs that accompany her playing._ _

__He knows that Peggy has hardened, no longer proud. He knows that she is angry, that she is hurt. He knows that she is also softer, somehow, but he never really gets the chance to see the sad smile on her face before she’s leaving the house, before she’s waving Tony goodbye and telling him, _I’ll always love you, kiddo. _Before she doesn’t come back for months.___ _

____Despite all of this, despite the sadness and the grief and the carefully constructed facades, Howard, with his ever-sharpening anger, is the worst._ _ _ _

____Howard is the contrast to all of them. Where Maria has hollowed out, Howard has become more brash. Where Jarvis has given up on hope, Howard turns mad with it. Where Peggy is absent, Howard is more present than ever._ _ _ _

____At first, Tony thinks that this is a good thing. He takes one look at the darkened windows and at the cold detachment and at the _sadness, _all of it, and decides that Howard’s anger is somehow not anger, but relief.___ _ _ _

______He finds himself drawn to Howard’s lab, where the man spends most of his time. He invades his father’s space, tries to soak up the life that he finds there. He wants the anger, wants the pride and the brashness of it all, anything to escape the cold, and he finds it._ _ _ _ _ _

______Howard immediately drags him into the lab, starts teaching him about engineering and about iron and blueprints and things that Tony’s never really heard about before, and it brings the light back into his life. It allows him an escape from the grief._ _ _ _ _ _

______Tony soaks up the information like a dried-out sponge, finds himself delighted by how quickly he picks up the information. He builds a circuit board when he turns four, and all of a sudden people want to know about him, want to know about his life and his interests and his future plans for SI, and he feels better now, brighter._ _ _ _ _ _

______He listens at night as Maria argues with Howard, says things about keeping Tony sheltered and away from the press until _he’s at least ten, please Howard, _but Tony only registers it as more grief and more pain and things that he doesn’t really want to deal with, so he simply spends more time in the lab. More time in front of the cameras.___ _ _ _ _ _

________Things change._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Howard buys him uncomfortable suits and takes him out to galas, introduces him to people with large cameras and microphones and yeah, it’s a bit overwhelming, but at least it’s distracting and warm and easier than listening to Jarvis make funeral plans._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tony spends more time in the lab. Howard teaches him more and tells him more stories about Captain America and Tony grows lighter with every passing day._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That is, until two months later._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The day begins with Tony waddling down to the lab at six in the morning, long before anyone else in the house is awake. He wants to work on the new robot that he’s been building, a small, square-like contraption. It’s designed to play music instead of an alarm when it wakes a person up. Tony wants to put it in Maria’s room when he’s finished, he thinks that having music to wake his mother up might help to pull her out of this ongoing slump that she seems to be in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tony creaks open the lab doors, ready to get started, and is surprised to find Howard already in the lab._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Well, Tony thinks that it’s Howard._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The man in question is bent over his desk, swirling a small, clear glass of something dark and amber in his right hand. He’s muttering to himself and gripping the desk hard enough for his knuckles to turn white, and he looks nothing like the loud man that Tony has come to know. Tony gets a sort of anxious feeling in his stomach._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Daddy?” Tony asks, because something is clearly wrong and because he really wants to get started on his musical alarm clock, but Howard remains where he is. Tony notices that the man’s grip on his glass has tightened almost imperceptibly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“...dad?” Tony’s voice is smaller and more uncertain this time, and Howard swings around so suddenly that Tony flinches backwards._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Why do you do that?” Howards asks, and Tony takes another step back because there's something foul on his father’s breath._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Do what?” Tony asks, and watches wearily as Howard stumbles and grabs at the back of his chair for support. The amber liquid sloshes in the glass._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The man waves his drink around, as if to exclaim with his hands. “The whole innocent act thing, where you call me “Dad” and act all happy and,” Howard waves his drink again, as if searching for a word, “good. Where you act like that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tony doesn’t really know what his father means. There’s a sort of unease churning in his gut now, and he has the urge to run right back upstairs and go back to bed. Tony makes a split decision and decides to do just that, making as if to walk back upstairs. He’ll go tell Jarvis that Howard is acting funny and then he’ll do a puzzle in his room, there’s always tomorrow to work on his clock._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He doesn’t get to the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Howard reaches out and grabs Tony’s arm just a bit too tightly, pulling the boy further into the room. Tony tries to pull away, but Howard simply holds him there and keeps talking as if Tony hadn’t done a thing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Because really, Anthony, you shouldn’t be that good. My father was really bad, y’know, I thought at least that he was bad, at the time. So I was really bad to him, and he was really bad to me, and it all worked out because then he died and we were both still really bad to each other.” Howard continues to talk on as Tony fidgets in his grasp, ignoring the boy’s half-hearted attempts at talking over his father. Howard tightens his grip on Tony’s arm and the unease grows in the boy’s stomach, a little whirlpool of anxiety._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“And I thought that I’d be good to you and that you would be good to me and that it’d be just like my dad and me, y’know? Only backwards and such. So I’ve tried to be good to you, and you’ve been really good to me, calling me “Dad” and everything, but I still find myself wanting to hurt you, and it’s all very disconcerting,” Howard slurs as he talks, stumbling and dragging Tony along as he does so. The unease in Tony’s stomach melts a bit further into fear, and he struggles more in Howards grasp._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“And I realize that-that that’s bad, y’know, but-” Tony interrupts his father’s rant as he finally pulls his arm loose and runs out of the room, not stopping to look back towards Howard. He runs to his bedroom and locks the door, climbing under the covers on his bed and shaking like a leaf. He doesn’t understand what his father was doing, what his father was saying. He doesn’t understand the dark liquid that Howard had been drinking, doesn’t understand any of it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He stays in his room for most of the day. He never does tell Jarvis about that particular occasion, simply fakes sickness for the day instead._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________That morning is the first of many._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tony often finds Howard with an umber glass in his hand from that point on, manic expression on his face, gripping papers and muttering about Captain America. Howard doesn’t mention the first time that it happened, though he does place a lock on the door to the lab. It’s too high up for Tony to reach, and it can lock Tony in just as well as it can lock him out. Tony grows cautious of Howard when he’s in these moods, keeps himself aware of the lock, and for the most part, keeps on building._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________As time passes, Howard grows more volatile. He speaks of Steve Rogers and obsesses over “rescuing” the man, even comparing the captain to Tony on occasion. He drinks more of the liquid, grows shakier and colder. Tony attempts to edge away from his father as time passes by, begins going into the lab when Howard is away on business trips and avoids the man when they’re both in the house together, but Howard’s behavior simply worsens and he begins seeking Tony out when he’s in a bad mood.  
Tony finds himself hiding away in the house, discovers abandoned cabinets and makes them his saviors. He tries to ask his mother about Howard once, about why he’s like this and about how to make the man stop, but Maria secludes herself to her bedroom, and Tony stops talking to her. She becomes less of a mother and more of a warith, wandering the house at night. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tony goes to Jarvis next, but stops himself just as he’s about to ask for help with Howard. Something inside of him just can’t do it, can’t drag Jarvis into this, and Tony decides then and there that he’s going to have to deal with this alone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Things worsen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Howard grips his shoulders too hard in passing, smiles a bit too viciously towards him when in front of the press. He drinks too much and pushes Tony into walls, treats him like an object to be used and thrown away when he’s no longer of any value._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And Tony begins to believe him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Tony thinks of his mother, detached from the world and hollow in a scary sort of way, and he wonders if it was him who made her that way. If maybe he finally just pushed her over the edge and that's why she needs those pills. That’s why she never wants to play the piano with him anymore, why she doesn’t sing or speak in soft Italian or even leave her room anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Howard certainly thinks so. He whispers it into Tony’s ear before leaving the workshop each night. _She doesn’t love you, _he says, _You made her this way. _And it hurts just the same each time._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________As Tony grows, Howard picks up on more of his insecurities and picks them apart._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He peels back Tony’s carefully constructed defenses, reaches straight inside to where it hurts and twists as hard as he can._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Tony’s eight years old and Howard’s telling him, _Peggy left because of you. She only stuck around for Maria, and now that you messed her up, Peggy hates you too.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He’s twelve years old and Howard’s letting him know that _Captain America would be ashamed of you. He’d look right at you and see you like you really are, _and it hurts, it _hurts. _Because Tony knows that he’s not enough. He breaks everything that he touches, hurts those who he loves. He drove Peggy away, he hurt Maria. Jarvis only stays around because he pities Tony, the press isn't actually interested in his genius, they’re just interested in what Howard created. They only care about Tony if he’s shiny and easy to get along with, if he’s bold and brash and drunk and never truly attached to anybody._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________________If you’re just like me, _Howard says, and Tony believes him.  
Howard presses a glass of amber into Tony’s hands when he’s thirteen years old and says _Drink, _and Tony does, even if all he can think about was him, five years old, trying to build his mother a clock.____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Tony grows sharper, brash. He meets Obadiah Stane and calls him uncle, goes away to college at fourteen because Howard tells him to. He gets drunk and meets women who are elderly in comparison to him and is vaguely aware of his discomfort, but not really, because Howard is still in his mind. Still hissing words into the back of his head, still telling him to drink, boy, still reassuring him that he is not enough, that he will never be enough._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________And Tony believes him, because who else is there to believe? Who else is still here, who else will support him? No one, his mind supplies, and yeah, that pretty much sums it up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________And then he meets Rhodey._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He’s fourteen years old and at a frat party. There are three girls on his arm and they’re all comically taller than him. He’s a little bit claustrophobic and even more nervous, but he swallows his fear and keeps moving. He doesn’t really dance, even if the women around him do. He just kind of hops from foot-to-foot awkwardly, like any fourteen year old might, and _wow _does that thought just make things worse, because he’s fourteen, isn’t he? He should be in eighth grade, excited to move on to highschool for the first time, and instead he’s busy losing himself in a stuffy dorm at MIT.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________He attempts to drown the thought in more beer and then his brain gets fuzzier and then all of a sudden the floor is moving under him. Or he’s moving over the floor. Whatever. What’s important is that he’s moving farther from the music and farther from the women because apparently his drunken mind just can’t take any more noise._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________He stumbles past the college students and suddenly feels out of place again, feels small and judged and then claustrophobic, and suddenly there’s panic clawing at his throat and _no door _, oh god _where’s the door-____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________And it just keeps getting worse. His throat feels stuffy and he feels miles shorter than the people around him. He’s vaguely aware of his arms and his chest, both shaking as he tries to get to a door, to get to fresh air and darkened skies and wet grass._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________By the time Tony finally finds a door, yanks it open and basically falls out onto a tiny wooden porch, he’s seconds from a panic attack. He can feel eyes on him as he struggles to catch his breath, as he clutches his chest and whimpers through his teeth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________Tony clutches the edge of the porch before falling over and hunching his shoulders closer to his chest, his back to the wood. He brings his legs up to his chest and clutches his hands together, attempting to stop them from shaking. He can feel everyone’s eyes on him, can feel his heart pounding and he can hear Howard in his ear telling him, _You’ll never be enough. You’re not enough, you hurt and you break and- _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________“Hey, hey, can you hear me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Someone speaks from directly in front of him, and the sound is muddled and easily overlooked by Howard’s preaching. Tony’s hands continue to shake, he struggles to breathe. The voice persists._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________“Kid, kid, I need you to breathe, okay? I know it’s hard, bud, but you can do it. Just in and out.” The voice in front of him pierces through Howard’s words once again, calm and put-together and Tony wants it to _stay, _please will someone just _stay with him- _______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________“Hey, hey, you’re okay. You’re okay. Just breathe, you’ll be fine,” the voice continues like this, unwavering and far too kind to be dealing with Tony, but helpful all the same._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________“That’s it bud, you’re doing great. You’re doing great, just breathe,” the voice says, and Tony finds his hands stilling as he listens to the voice. He keeps his head bowed into his knees and just breathes, just tries to take in air, and it works._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________“There you go, bud. Doing great.” The voice is patient and kind and something that Tony’s never really heard directed towards him, not in a long time, and he finds himself calmed by it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________“Is it alright if I touch you?” the voice asks, and Tony’s immediate reaction is to say, _No, no of course not, _but he finds himself thinking that it wouldn’t be too bad to be touched right now. No one’s really hugged him in a while. Howard touches him only to hurt him, and even Jarvis has stopped giving Tony hugs since he was little.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________He nods, and a heavy hand comes to rest tentatively on his shoulder. The hand is warm and grounding, and Tony finds himself looking up at the voice through misty eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________In front of him sits a man, closer than Tony expected him to be, with a concerned expression etched across his face. His eyebrows are pinched together and his mouth is pulled down into a small frown, and he looks to be about eighteen years old. He smiles slightly when Tony looks up at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________“Hey kid. You’re Tony Stark, right? I’m Jim.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________And that’s how it starts._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
